Failure is not an option, yet I continue to do so.

I havent been on here in a few weeks. At first, I was very excited to do this but it seems the flame has died. I think it will pick back up again. And this is precisely what this post is going to be about about. Its going to be a rant about myself. I need to get it out there just because I need to express how I feel.

My life is kinda like this blog. I can always start something. That isn't the problem. Seeing it through is a problem for me though. I cant even begin to describe the amount of things that i have started and not finished. I used to be huge into art. So much so, that I had a portfolio filled with pieces I did. I sent them to colleges, hoping to impress and be accepted to art school. Well, I quit that. Just kinda drifted off in another direction I guess. Music is another thing. I try so hard to get really into it and create things at a rapid pace and then the fire dies. And the same goes with my spiritual life. I get really on fire and want to sell my things and want to learn more and more and more, and read the Bible every stinking day. I want to set up a scheduled time that I dedicate to God. I never see it through though. The fire dies.

I know there are people out there that hold me to high standards. It's very disappointing to me that they look at me this way because I fail so much that I can barely even look at myself in the mirror. There are several issues in my life that plague me to the point where I wish God would just take away my free will completely because that would seem a better option than allowing me to sin. The worst part about it is that I do it willfully. I know what I do is wrong, and still do it. I don't know if anyone else has problems like this. Materialism and lust are my two weak points. I know lust is a problem in every guys life at some point but I have had it. I am so sick and tired of turning the tv on and seeing whores. I am sick of walking outside of my house and seeing them walking around on the street. I cant help but look, but at the same time I hate it so much I cant even describe the feeling. And then you have materialism. Its the reason I like playing dungeon crawlers and MMOs. I love getting new things and showing them off to people. I think I need things that I really dont. My dad calls me all the time and tells me things that he got for a really good price, this and that. I think to myself when he tells me these things, "Do you really need that? I mean, don't you already have 2 boats?" Its so easy for me to think that about other people but I struggle thinking that way myself. I hate America. I hate this country we live in and that for which it stands. It does not stand for freedom. It stands for materialism, murder, sex, and entertainment. Most in this country are slaves to these things so what good does freedom do us anyways?

I recently played this game called Loved on New Grounds. It started out as just a decent game you know. Nothing special. When you first start it, a mysterious character asks you, "Are you a Man, or a Woman?" I chose man. "No, you are a girl". I was like wtf, no Im not. And throughout the game you get asked these random questions that make no sense at the time. He asks you to do random things like stand still for 5 seconds, or throw yourself into a pit of spikes. Things you would never do voluntarily, even in a game. Its a very short game so when I went through it the first time, I disobeyed the voice constantly. The game became harder and harder the more I disobeyed and the screen got very shuffled and mixed up so it was hard to see where you were going. I got to the end and the voice asked "Why do you hate me so much? I love you." So at this point, I just had to play it again the right way. I told him I was a Man. He said I was a girl. I listen to his every word. At the end of the game, he asked me, "Are you a boy, or a girl?" I said, "Boy". He said, "No, you are a Man." This literally brought tears to my eyes. Never in my life has a game brought tears to my eyes but this one did it. I realized that this game was a complete analogy to our christian walk with God. Every move you made in the game determined your relationship with God in the end. I highly encourage all of you reading this to play it.

Anyway, I just wanted to write about that because I am bored right now and depressed because I can never live up to the standard that I want to. I ask that you guys pray for me and my issues. If any of you want prayer for anything, just let me know.